My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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