I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
