please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
