I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
