Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
