The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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