Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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