Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
