It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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