If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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