I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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