The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Randomize
