Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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