I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
