im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
