Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
The Olympian is in my bed
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
