I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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