I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
