For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
