gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
