Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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