Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
