What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
