I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
