Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my phone needs a breathalizer
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
