I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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