I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
