I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
