There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
