If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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