I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
