Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
