Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you never un-have a 4some
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
