I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
