Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
