i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
