we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
