Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
