matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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