I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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