he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
