remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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