Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
