can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
