Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
