I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
