I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
