It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
