new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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