Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
